“Kane & Lynch 2 Dog Days” by Mr Riddler

Riddle Me This Why wasn’t Bertha put in jail after killing dozens of people?



She was a Hurricane. Or she was hanging with Kane and Lynch.

What I Expected:
Have I mentioned something about liking Yahtzee before? Well I do. The guy from escapist magazine has this whole game critic thing down to science and I actually feel really bad about reviewing a game after he does because I’m afraid that what he says is going to affect my opinion of the game or that I would eventually start repeating thing that he said in a very bad British Accent. Something like this:

Well this is one of those times that I had no choice. Yahtzee reviewed this game a week before I wrote what you’re reading here and as fate would have it, Gamefly sent me the game right after that. Sad to say that after seeing a few insane images of the game online that I had an urge to play it, but after hearing Yahtzee trash the game I can’t help but let those high expectations fall as low as they did for M. Night Shamylan’s “Devil” movie.   Then again maybe, like “Devil”, I’ll get a pleasant surprise, and be content with the money I’ve spend but not wow-ed. I suppose that this is one time that my fears would have to come to pass. I can’t help but feel that Kane and Lynch 2 is going to make me want to gouge my eyes out and swear off video games for life, and maybe I’ll be attempting this entire review in a British Accent. Pip Pip. Cheerio What What? Queen Elizabeth. Doctor Who.

Spoiler Alert: I won’t I’ll leave the Brit speak to Silenced Requiem

What We Got:
I never played Kane and Lynch 1 but I assume that one of them is crazy and kills everyone guilty or innocent without a second thought and one of them is the voice of reason. By voice of reason I of course mean that he kills everyone, guilty or innocent without a second thought. And, by the end of the game, I’m assuming that they swear that they’ll never get into a crazy kooky adventure like that again. I can only make that assumption based on what I see in Kane & Lynch 2. No growth or arch of characters through out the story. I mean these 2 guys are so insanely unlikable on every level that if they any worse of people they’d be eligible to join Ted Bundy, Jeff Dahmer and Hitler’s country club. The game is formed around these two and their assholery. They have to be dicks and have no other way to play it. At a certain point in the game, you come rushing out of a restaurant and the entire staff has been tied up. Kane mentions that you can cut them free, but Lynch says it’s not their problem. Of course when you walk up to them it gives you no option to take the heroic way out, instead you’re given the option to put them out of their misery… God these guys suck so much. What’s worse is the shred of humanity that they attempt to give them that falls flat on it’s face…
Whoa getting way too far ahead of myself. Hold that thought and back it up. The story of Kane and Lynch 2 Dog Days starts off with Kayne taking some medication and waking up in bed with his chinese girlfriend. Apparently, he’s given up on the whole killing thing, but we know he’ll go back to it because relationship games only come out on the Wii. Kane comes back telling him that he’s got one last job for him. Kayne accepts and Murderous Rage ensues from both the characters and the player.
Back to what I was saying earlier, Kane mentions something briefly of a daughter that he needs to take care of so he took this job, but who the hell is going to pay him? And Lynch of course has a life with this girlfriend now. This is kind of a kick to the nuts to anyone intelligent enough to consider the story at all. Kane brought a child into the world.. and he still shows no compassion toward anyone else. Lynch, despite making a living off killing, doesn’t even fathom the thought that maybe killing again could tear apart what little life he’s managed to build for himself. Making a character flawed to make them human is one thing. Making them evil, psychotic assholes is another.
The game play is simple enough 3rd person. That is it would be simple enough if they weren’t attempting to stylize the entire game to look like it was shot in a gritty action movie sort of way. The entirety of the game is shot from a first person perspective of a camera man that noone really acknowledges and he’s never used a handycam in his life. when you walk, the camera gives a bit of a bounce to it and when you run, Lynch gets motion sickness from the insane amount of shake on the camera. No to mention how annoying it is in this form of stylization for the Screen to pixelate every time you move to fast. Ha Ha. I get it. The camera is low quality, but that’s no excuse for the game to be low quality.
Last rant before I move on to what was actually good about the game… The look of the game, shaky cam aside, is atrocious. The graphics, I know I know god damn the graphics don’t make the game, but there’s no excuse for this in this day and age of gaming. It shouldn’t affect the quality of the game perhaps, but it shouldn’t look like it came out of last generation either. Additionally, when someone dies in a particularly gruesome way, or sometimes just because the game feels like it, deaths with be blurred. It’s less a stylization and more a cop-out. One scene in particular, Lynch forces a guys face into a frying pan to get him to talk about where the main bad guy is. and the guys entire face is blurred. and when I thought about it, it’s not to better fit the scene. It’s to save on time to animate fear and pain on the guy’s face and so the art department can go on vacation instead of designing burn textures for the guys face. Lame!
Ok Kane. Ok Lynch. I’m going to say something good about your game now. I didn’t have to buy it and it eventually ended.

Multiplayer:
Ok Seriously. The mechanics and controls work ok. the 3rd person cover-shoot-cover and co-operative single player over a single console, I have to say I commend you on that, Kane and Lynch. It almost made the game bearable. Then when me and my heterosexual friend get to the level where we co-operatively play as Kane and Lynch… Completely Naked… Running through a mall with numerous clothing stores in plain view and reach…. and then they stop to have a deep hearted close conversation with Kane’s bloody pixelated Junk hanging in the camera… You’ve made things very awkward for us… VERY… AWKWARD

Conclusion:
There is so much wrong with this game’s story that the gameplay cannot pick it up. Not to mention that you cannot play through this game without getting yourself motion sick unless you turn off that damn shakycam feature. In the End, In the Beginning, In the Gay, Bloody, Naked Level. Forget this game.

Overall Rating:

Ok maybe I’ll get it if I played the first game and not just jumped in on the second I might only claw out one eye and swear off video games for half of my life.

Feel Free to leave me a comment down below and let me know what you think, if you enjoyed the review or what you want me to review next. I’ll pay attention. After all, you are my only reader.

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Comments
2 Responses to ““Kane & Lynch 2 Dog Days” by Mr Riddler”
  1. Anonymous says:

    "swear of video games for half my life"

  2. Leader K says:

    If it is anything like the first, i don't want anything to do with it!!!!!!HATE! HATE!

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